When the Nest Feels Empty

The day my son started school I left quickly. “It does come right,” said a kind mother to me in the playground as I fled to the car for an uncensored sobbing session. 

words: Pattie Pegler

The sobbing wasn’t unprecedented. It had started on his final day at preschool and continued all week in the run up to his first day at school. Not endlessly, of course, but intermittently and suddenly and uncontrollably - I would find myself bawling. Never in front of my child. He was excited about school. 

And sure, I knew this was irrational. He couldn’t stay at preschool forever. Life moves on, kids grow up. Sometimes we feel sad about changes like that – whether it’s kids starting school, moving to high school or heading off to college. Sometimes we don’t. The number of mothers that looked at me in surprise was about the same as those who nodded knowingly when I spoke about this sadness. Working mothers, mothers of many, mothers of solo kids – there was no pattern, some felt sad about their kids starting school, some didn’t. 

You can’t really generalize all parents vary in how they deal with these milestones, agrees UK-based Celia Dodd, author of The Empty Nest: Your Changing Family, Your New Direction. Dodd has written extensively on the empty nest and whilst starting school is a long way from heading off to college, it can create ‘very strong echoes of that empty nest feeling’ she says. 

Why so sad?

It’s a big milestone – the simple act of children putting on the uniform can be a visual reminder of this. It was a point that came up repeatedly when Dodd was talking to parents for her book. They even look different. “It’s the transition,” says Dodd. “From the moment children are born they’re very close to you. Now there are all these new influences coming in and different stepping stones along the way . It sometimes feels that you’re becoming less important in your child’s life, but in fact your relationship is simply evolving in very positive ways.”

You might be worrying about how your child will cope, will they make friends, are they going to be happy? Much of this is now moving out of your control. “It makes you feel a bit redundant,” says Dodd. 

And sometimes seeing your children growing up can just make you feel a bit sad about time passing. 

So what to do? 

Well, on a practical level one option is to stay involved, advises Dodd, join the PTA, go along on school trips, help out when asked. If you are looking for a way into this new part of their lives – that can be helpful. And make the most of the time you do have together. 

“The main thing is you have to replace what you’re missing and try to see the good things about this new stage,” 

says Dodd. “So think about something you really want to do. Structure your week so you’ve got things built in that are for you and give you a sense of purpose.” 

Allow yourself time to adjust this new chapter. Talk about it with a friend or partner and take a long view of your relationship with your child which will keep on growing and changing. There are going to be other milestones, other transitions and it can help to find a way that works for you to navigate through them.  In the long run it will help both you and your child to have to have your own identity beyond motherhood says Dodd.  

In my experience, after a couple of weeks I was able to talk about my son being at school without welling up. It turns out that kind mother in the playground was right – things do come right. 

You can find more information on Celia Dodd and her book at www.celiadodd.co.uk.